Sheep and goats

I have a hard time reconciling my own beliefs with a lot of eastern philosophy, mostly because I do believe in a higher power--a God, a consciousness, whatever you'd like to call it. I walk a weird road between catholicism, buddhism, mysticism....usually, I just put myself down as "spiritual" to avoid confusion, lengthy debates, and offending people. But that's all part of what this whole class is about, right? So I'm just going to rant this one out.

My initial reaction to this Blackmore woman was that she was just another loon. In the first couple paragraphs, all I gleaned was "I did a lot of drugs back in the day, called it "research," and now I'm a Buddhist so it's all good." Yes, I did come to see there was more to her, and I have a grudging respect for her work--because really, she did have some good points. But the respect is still grudging because when it comes down to it, she still seems a bit closed-minded to me.

I don't like thinking in absolutes. Being a spiritual person, and being a generally nonconfrontational person, I'm always willing to allow for the realm of possibility. Not to sound preachy, but I do believe that anything is possible because God is all-powerful. However, I also believe that most of the unexplained phenomina, like the various elements of psi discussed in this article, can be chalked up to humans being their dumb, impressionable, manipulative selves. The Virgin Mary is on my toast! My dream told me that my neighbor was the antichrist and that I should kill him! Smoke this, man, I swear, you'll see God. WOO! You can probably blame a lot of my skepticism on my background; I've basically lived on a hippie commune. I've been around enough drug-induced stupors, and seen enough ruined lives on the other end to tell me that the only "good trip" is probably one that hasn't come to full fruition and screwed people over yet. I get tired of watching the cycle of "I'll try it once; this is fun; oh no I should quit; shit my life is ruined." Before you call me a hypocrite, let me say that NO, I don't think this pattern is inevitable with substance use. There are always outliers. But this pattern tends to be predominant.

Anyway, absolutes. They're not good. I don't think people should ever rule out possibility. I don't believe in reincarnation, but I believe in the Dalai Lama and the holy mystery that he embodies. I think that 90% of the mystical, psi-phenominon reported are bullshit made up by crazy people, but there will always be a small percentage that can't be explained--and that's where my belief in God comes in. But hey, that's me. Feel free to believe whatever you want.

Putting the "Kick" back in Psychic.

I know I'm a goat for two reasons.

1. Skeptical person.
2. I'm a capricorn.

I Don't Want to Be Enlightened. Not Yet, Anyway.

I think my main struggle with Eastern philosophy is the recurring sense that I really don't wish to seek enlightenment. Or at least, not in the all-encompassing sense that I feel many of the leaders in thought and philosophical rhetoric have emphasized in what I have read. I do believe in a state that I would equate with enlightenment...I spend a little time in that state now and again. But it is nothing that I strive for. It generally steals upon me, blooms from some little quirk of thought or observation, and I'm happy to inhabit it for awhile. What that state feels like to me is the absence of peripheries. My eyes feel softer, unfocused, but what I see is very clear. Colors are more vivid, sounds are quieter. It feels like living right beneath the surface of my skin. Smiling feels brighter, like light escaping through the cracks. Speech flows very smoothly, and the words settle just right. It is more immediate living, beyond the layers of heavy thought.

Maybe that is not enlightenment. I certainly didn't do anything to achieve it. I didn't meditate or ingest a drug or climb to a mountain temple beforehand. It is a very good feeling, whatever the root. Very settled. Very sure.

But

Sometimes I don't want to be sure. Sometimes I want to scurry along haphazardly through my day, and be fully present in some other facet of emotion, even if it is negative. I don't enjoy anger, or sadness. But I appreciate the breadth of those emotions nonetheless. If I am angry, at least I am not complacent. If I am sad, at least I get to have that hollowed-out peace after I cry. I truly enjoy what I deem my state of "sometimes-enlightenment." Someday I might even want to live in it full-time. But for now I am pretty comfortable with being young and foolish, and dwelling in each state that happens upon me. That may not be an enlightened way of thinking, but it fits.